Tools for Family Members Navigating Tough Discussions
Talking about changes in living arrangements is one of the most difficult conversations to have with aging loved ones. As our parents age, it’s natural for family members to be concerned about their health, safety, and well-being. However, it’s important to approach discussions about independence with sensitivity. Understanding where an older adult is coming from will avoid hurting their feelings or causing unnecessary resentment.
For guidance on how to navigate these challenging conversations, here’s Rusty Fracassa, from Paths Elder Law, with three communication tools.
- Respect: Maintain eye contact and speak directly to seniors to involve them in decisions and foster inclusion.
- Repetition: Understand the need for frequent repetition when communicating with aging loved ones to avoid frustration.
- Research: Ensure consistency in approaches and options for seniors by conducting thorough research and seeking professional advice early on.
8 Phrases to Avoid When Talking to Aging Parents
Approaching tough topics with empathy is easy to say but hard to do. We’ve compiled 8 concrete things you should not say to your aging parents, especially when discussing assisted living, retirement, or other major life transitions.
- “You’re Too Old to Do That”
Statements that equate age with ability can hurt your parents’ feelings and make them feel dismissed. Aging does not mean the loss of capacity. Instead, ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective. For example, “How are you feeling about this?” or “What do you want to do?” - “You Should Move into Assisted Living”
While it might be true that your parents could benefit from assisted living or home care, saying they shouldn’t live alone anymore can make them feel as if they’re losing their autonomy. Instead, discuss the benefits and offer it as an option rather than a directive. Try saying, “Would you like to explore some options for living arrangements that could make things easier?”
- “You Can’t Do That Anymore”
Telling someone what they can’t do is a sure way to build resentment. Instead, focus on what they can do and how they can stay active while maintaining their safety. Encourage them to try new activities or continue with hobbies that they enjoy with your support.
- “Why Don’t You Remember?”
Memory loss can be a sensitive topic, especially for older adults. Questioning your parents’ memory or cognitive abilities can be demoralizing. Instead, be patient, repeat information when needed, and offer reassurance. Use Rusty Fracassa’s tip from the video above about repetition and acknowledge that it’s okay to revisit topics multiple times.
- “You Need Help”
While your intentions may be good, this statement can make your parents feel helpless or inadequate. Instead of focusing on what they need, frame it as what could make life easier for everyone involved. Say something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have some extra help with this?” or “I know someone who can assist with [task].”
- “You’re Being Difficult”
Accusing someone of being difficult can escalate tension in any conversation, especially with aging parents. Plus, it has potential to impact their mental health. If you encounter resistance, approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Remember to maintain eye contact and speak to them directly, as Rusty suggested. Ask questions that encourage them to express their feelings rather than labeling their behavior.
- “We’re Doing This for Your Own Good”
Although you might be motivated by care and concern, this statement can come across as patronizing or controlling. Instead, focus on the partnership between you and your parents in making decisions together. Talk about how you both want what’s best for their health and well-being, emphasizing that it’s a joint effort.
- “Don’t Worry About It, We’ll Take Care of Everything”
While you may intend to relieve their stress, this approach can make them feel excluded from important decisions. Include them in discussions and respect their opinions. Keep them informed about your research and discuss options together to ensure they feel heard and valued.
Still Need Help Navigating Conversations with Aging Parents?
Having conversations with aging parents about lifestyle changes, assisted living, or other care needs requires patience, empathy, and respect. By avoiding these common pitfalls and approaching the dialogue with compassion, you can strengthen your family bond and create a positive environment for these challenging discussions.
If you still need help navigating these conversations, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from professionals who specialize in elder care and family dynamics. At Paths Law Firm, we have more than 30 years of experience focusing on issues common to seniors and their families. This includes planning for the inevitable with Wills & Trusts, or planning for the unforeseen with Powers of Attorney, Guardianships, and Medicaid or VA benefits.
